


Bert McCracken The Vicodin Thief

by ChemicalGhost



Series: Help Me Kill The Demons [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 08:55:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3375455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChemicalGhost/pseuds/ChemicalGhost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happened after Bert got kicked out of Frank's hospital room in chapter 11 of Help Me Kill The Demons In My Mind (And The Ones In Real Life Too)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bert McCracken The Vicodin Thief

**Author's Note:**

> If you are reading the whole thing make sure you read at least until chapter 12 before reading this to avoid any spoilers.

That nurse kicked me out of the fucking room. Why? Just...  __Why?_ _  Couldn't she be a little fucking cool and understanding and pretend she didn't see me there? Like, open a fucking exception for fuck's sake. It wasn't like the room was crawling with people. She could have been nice, but no. 

Oh, no! She had to be a fucking prick. But okay. I'll play nice. I'll stay on the waiting room.

Poor Gee though. He's probably freaking the fuck out right now.

He spent the whole afternoon talking about that guy and when he finally calls it's to almost give him a heart attack.

The problem with Gerard is that once he puts something in his head, that's it. He's obsessed. 

Well... That's not the only problem with Gerard, that crazy motherfucker. It is just one of the big ones I guess. 

I never really saw him talk about someone like he talks about this Frank kid though. Maybe this is not him obsessing again. I guess it could be something bigger. Like me and Quinn maybe...  

 __Damn it_ _ , I was already feeling guilty as fuck for punching an innocent kid and now I realize that it was Gerard's kid?

Is this fucking Karma or something? Like, I do some weird drugs in a party and the universe punishes me by making me punch my best friend's boy in the fucking face?

Well played, Universe. Well played. 

Gerard really isn't angry at me but I still think I should apologize again. It'll have to be later though. Cause right now I'm in a fucking waiting room, sitting on a weird green couch with some stupid brats who are apparently "waiting to see grandma". 

My phone buzzes and I look at the screen. My mom texted me again. What a surprise. 

'Please, Bert just let me know you're fine.'

Chill, mom. Just chill. 

"Are you a girl or a boy?" A little boy asks me. 

"I'm both" I say, just to confuse his tiny fucking head. He looks at me like I'm from some other planet and I can't help but to laugh. "I'm joking, kid. I'm a boy like you." 

"But you have girl-hair" A tiny girl says. She sounds all matter-of-factly, with her tiny hands on her tiny hips and everything. 

"There is no such a thing as girl-hair or boy-hair. Everything is just hair." I say. 

"Really?" She asks with a happy smile "I want to have short hair then. Long hair is too hot."

"Good for you, tiny child. Tell you parents. Be happy." 

I'm about to lay down and nap until Gerard comes to see me when I notice the little boy looking shady near a wall. 

Kids are like cats. Whenever you see them with a guilty expression you can bet your fucking ass they are about to do something wrong. 

"Whatcha doing there, boy?" I ask in a sing-song voice and lean forward to get a better look at what he's doing. And I almost get a heart attack because holly cow!

"Stop!" I yell in a demanding voice, standing up. "Don't you put that finger of your's in that fucking wall socket!" I sound like fucking super nanny. The kid looks at me with a devilish smile and slowly puts his finger a little closer to the socket. "Guess Karma wasn't done after all" I tell myself as I walk to that little blonde prick and pick him up.

I am holding a child on my arms. Why? Why, God?

"Listen here, you tiny human." I tell him. He looks at me with big amused eyes. "If you put your fucking finger there you're going to die." I explain with a smile.

"Die?" The kid asks. His expression shifts to horrified. Good. 

"Yes, die." I smile. I'm about to put him down but then I see his sister pulling that guilty cat face on the other side of the room. She looks at me and smiles. 

"I'm gonna have short hair now" She states proudly and holds up a big fucking pair of scissors.

I do not deserve this. 

"Sweet motherfucking baby Jesus, you gimme that!" I walk quickly to her and take the scissors from her. Where did she even find that? 

"That's it." I decide, picking her up as well. "You guys probably still have fontanelles and shit, you shouldn't be alone here." I walk straight to the front counter. How I manage to carry both children is a mystery since I am myself almost the size of one. Even that stupid Frank dude is taller than me. 

"Where are the owners of this children?" I ask her. 

"Excuse me?" She looks at me with a indignant stare. I just give her an unimpressed look. "Last room of that corridor." She speaks and goes back to doing her nails. Someone should tell her that purple is not her color. Hell, purple hasn't been anyone's color since 2005. Read a fucking magazine, bitch.

"Fucking, hell." I mumble to myself as I carry the small humans to their parents.

"What's 'fucking'?" The little girl asks me.

"Oh... 'Fucking' is a fun word. You can put in in front of any other word to make it more fun."

Okay, there it is. Last room. I don't even bother knocking. A couple is beside a bed in which an old lady with a really bright white hair is sitting. I don't think I ever saw someone that wrinkled before. I wonder if people have to clean between her wrinkles like they do with Sharpays.

They all stare at me like I'm fucking terrorist or something. 

"Are these your's?" I ask them. The parents rush to get the kids from me. Thank God.

"What happened?" The woman asks, holding her daughter.

"Your kids were shoving fingers in sockets and running with scissor that's wha." I spit before walking away.

"Is that true, Mackenzie? We are leaving right now!" I hear the woman yell at her female child.

"Fucking sorry, mommy" The girl responds, which makes me super pleased with myself. The parents of the children don't really appreciate that particular word though. They walk past me in a hurry, carrying the kids away.

They wave their tiny hands at me but I don't wave back because that wouldn't be punk rock of me. 

Okay, maybe I waved back a little.

Anyways. I'm almost out of the hallway when I spot a cart filled with orange bottles. Totally unattended. And that would be the universe compensating me for teaching a kid to say 'fuckin'. I look around quickly just to make sure no one will see what I'm about to do.

No one is there so I start reading labels.

 __Fenoprofen_ _. Nope.

 __Aspirin_ _. Nah.

 __Effexor_ _. HA! Not even in a billion years. I feel a little shiver just thinking about it.

 __Vicodin_ _. Oh, Yeah. Now we're getting somewhere. I'm trying to get the bottle open when I hear someone scream. 

"Young man? Yes. You there!" What the actual fuck? The old lady from that bedroom is limping my way and calling out to me. I look around and see that the little tantrum she's throwing is kind of making people look my way and that's so not good. "You stole it! Give it back!" She yells with her annoying old person voice. 

"Limp away, grandma." I try. But she keeps slowly approaching me. I'm about to shove the hole Vicodin bottle in my pocket and a strong hand grabs my wrist.

Oh snap. Guess who's here? The fat, mean nurse who kicked me out of Frank's room, of course.

"What are you doing?" She inquires with her weird macho voice.

"Nothin'" I calmly shrug.

"He stole it!" The old lady yells again.

"Did you steal something  __from an old lady_ _?" The nurse asks me with a tone that suggests she's disgusted with me.    

"I did not!" I reply, offended. And technically it is true. I don't know who I'm stealing from but It's probably not her cause I don't think old people are allowed to take Vicodin. 

"He did!" The old lady contradict me. I try to walk away but the nurse blocks me. "He took my denture!" The old lady screams. Wait. I thought she had seen me pocket the Vicodin.

"Wait, grandma. Calm your tits." I say. "I did not take your fucking denture."

"You did!" She insists. "You were in my room and now my denture is gone!" During her rant both me and the nurse can clearly see that she is wearing her denture. What a fucking crazy prune. 

"I'm really sorry." The nurse says to me.

"Damn straight you are." I tell her because no one accuses me of stealing. Even though that's kind of what I'm doing.

"Miss Ethel, you are wearing your denture right now." The nurse explains patiently.

"Are you calling me a liar, boy?" The old lady yells and now I'm laughing because I couldn't even ask for better entertainment than that. Fuck you, you mean nurse. You didn't let me stay in my friend's room and now an old lady called you a boy in front of the whole hospital. 5 letters to you, bitch. K-A-R-M-A.

"Sorry, Miss Ethel. I'm not calling you a liar I'm just telling you your denture is _ _in_ _  your mouth __right now_ _." The nurse explain.   

"Are you in this with him? You both want my denture, don't you?" The old lady keeps screaming and when the nurse tries to say something else she fucking slaps her right across the face.

I think this may be the best moment of my life.

The nurse holds the side of her face with a completely priceless expression and the old lady doesn't back down. Remind me to never piss that old lady off like, wow, take it down a notch, grandma, it's not like someone stole your raisins or somethin'. 

Everyone is looking at the two of them and I realize the time has come. Nobody is looking at the medicine cart and I know I already have a Vicodin bottle in my pocket but why not have two, right?

I make my move towards it but I my timing is poor. The nurse saw it. She turns to me, still holding her face. 

"You put that back!" She yells. "I'm gonna call secur..."

"Don't you turn your back on me while I'm talking to you!" The old lady yells before jumping on The nurse's blonde hair and I know I was wrong before cause __this_ _  is he best moment of my life. 

I'm about to get away with my pills and the nurse sees that. 

"Press the panic button, Julian! The panic button!" She screams and I don't know who the fuck Julian is or where the fuck they are but I know my cue to leave when I hear it and this was definitely it. I'm about to start running but I trip and end up falling on top of the medicine cart, proceeding to drop everything that was on top of it on the floor. 

I'm swimming in pills and normally I would have really liked it but I think I see some security guards coming my way. 

The nurse is still trying to get the old lady off without hurting her and I try to get up but I step on a fucking bottle and fall on my ass again. I doesn't take long before the security guards reach us.

I'm fucked. 

"He's trying to steal pills" The nurse yells, thank God the old lady is screaming like a fucking ninja so I don't think the guards really heard it. One of them offers me a hand so I can get up but I'm to busy watching what seems to be the old lady  __biting_ _  the nurses ear.

I repeat:  __The only lady was biting the nurse._ _   

The nurse manages to set herself free and runs away. 

Thank you, old lady. You helped me scare that witch away. 

I swear I don't do this next thing on purpose but when I reach for the guards hand I end up tugging on his pants and they drop down to his knees.

It would have been fine. The guard would have just pulled his pants up and proceeded to detain me.

That was if I hadn't scattered hundreds of tiny cylindrical bottles on the floor. He steps on one and falls on his ass, like me. The second guard stops trying to calm the old lady down to help the first and this time I definitely do it on purpose. In a second he's down on the floor with his friend.

I look at the bottle of Vicodin in my hand and for a moment I actually think I won. But then I see the nurse coming running again in my direction.

She's gonna take the pills from me.

No way, bitch. I already did too much for this pills and I won't leave empty handed. I quickly shove a mouthful of them inside my mouth.

I don't really intend to swallow them cause... You know. I don't want to fucking die.

At least not right now. But then Gerard is here and he obviously saw me putting all those pill in my pie hole.

"What are you doing, Bert?" He yells, holding both sides of my face with his hands. "Open your mouth!" It's kind of hard to hear him because the old lady is still yelling that I stole her denture. I have to admit the throat on that woman is very impressive.

Oh God. 

I swear this is the last time I'm gonna say this:  __This is the best moment of my life_ _.

When the old lady bit the nurse, her denture broke and now part of the disgusting pink fake gum  is stuck in the nurse's hair and she's screaming in pure horror cause she just realized it.

"Open your mouth Bert!" Gerard yells again and, man, he looks super worried about me so I end up giving in and opening up. Before I could even process what was going on Gerard was taking the pills with his had out of my mouth.

"You're so fucking stupid, Bert!" He yells at me and, ouch, Gerard, that hurts!

Next time someone beats your boyfriend to a pulp I'm gonna think twice before helping.

Suddenly a big hand is on my shoulder. Yep. The security guards are back.

"Go home, Bert." Gerard asks. "Please. We'll talk later."

"I'm sorry, man." I yell at him while the guards are pulling me away. They put me on the floor outside of the hospital and close the doors on my face.  __On my fucking face_ _. Can you believe that? Rude.

But I don't really have time to think about that because my phone is ringing. The screen says it's Quinn.

"Hey, Quinn. I miss you." I say. I know I just saw him yesterday but it's still true cause I'm always missin' him.

"Bert, Your mom says you haven't answered her all afternoon. Are you okay?" Uh-oh. He sounds upset.

"Yeah, I am." I tell him. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

"I got so fucking worried when she called me, you jerk." Bert snaps.

"I'm sorry..." I say.

"It's okay. Just get your ass home. I miss you too." He tells me. "And fucking answer your mother, you idiot." He hangs up on me but I don't really care because, damn it, I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with that boy...

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is for my friend Lara, cause I know she's feeling sad right now. She's one of the nicest people I know and she's very important to me so since I can't hug her right now I'll dedicate this chapter to her.


End file.
